A part of me is glad I didn't have to go through with that but actually it definitely wasn't an easy thing to do, there was a hell of a lot of pain and discomfort afterwards, I've got a nice big scar and emotionally it was a bit of a nightmare to be honest. In fact it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.
Scarlett was probably breech for ages but it wasn't really confirmed till about 37 weeks. The only reason we found out was because we kept trying to go for a 3D scan but every time we went she was breech and it was hard for the sonographer to take the pictures. I mentioned it to my midwife who sent me for a presentation scan and she was well and truly breech. I was gutted I had this plan where I'd go to the birthing centre in Hartlepool and have a natural water birth. I couldn't have a water birth if my baby was breech!
The nurse at the presentation scan told me my options were either 1) deliver breech (not advised), 2) cesarean section or 3) try and external cephalic version (ECV). I opted for the ECV there was no way I was going to have a c-section.
To backtrack a bit, I'm absolutely petrified of needles. I don't know why I just can't stand them. And the thought of having a spinal with a section scared me to death. Over Christmas at the beginning of my pregnancy I was quite poorly and had to go to hospital and be put on a drip to replace fluids I'd lost. When the doctor told me I had to have a cannula fitted I cried my eyes out and the doctor who fitted it had a job too because I panicked so much. Bern had to calm me down.
So the ECV... I had it in week 38. I was so hopeful and positive it would turn her. I had an injection in my arm of a muscle relaxant and after an hour a doctor came and tried to physically move Scarlett round by putting his hands on my tummy and manipulating her. It didn't hurt one bit, just a lot of pushing on my bump but no pain at all. The first try was unsuccessful. The second try he managed to get her feet out of my pelvis and turned her quite far but she slipped back. I was determined and asked him to try again. It didn't work. So I asked again, and for the last time, it still didn't work. The doctor said he wouldn't advise a natural birth now, I'd have to have a cesarean. I asked if I could be put to sleep but he said its not something they would advise and he gave me a lot of reasons why I should be awake. I just burst into tears, why was this happening? I didn't want to have a section, I was petrified! I'd always said if I ever had to have a cesarean I'd freak out and I did! The section was booked for the following Thursday. Scarlett's due date was June 19th and I was booked in for 14th. She'd be 5 days early.
I was dreading that spinal that's why I wanted to be put to sleep first. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep calm for anybody's sake because the thought of it frightened me so much. I knew what it looked like and how they would put it in and that they would administer a local anaesthetic first. Even the thought of the local totally freaked me out. I didn't care about not being able to feel anything. The thought of that spinal gave me shivers.
I was so disappointed. My dream of a relaxed, natural water birth was gone. What if something went wrong? What if they cut too deep and cut Scarlett's arms or head off or something?! What if the scar looked horrible? What of the spinal went wrong and paralysed me? Oh my God what if I died! The day before we went into hospital I wrote three letters, one to Scarlett, one to Bern and one to my parents and brother and everyone else close to me, just in case the inevitable happened and I died. I told my good friend Hollie about them and where they would be and to give them to the right people if it happened. It sounds so stupid saying it now but I was genuinely scared about this!
We got to hospital at 11am on 15th June 2012. I tried to stay calm and positive. There were two other women booked in before me and the time was dragging on. Bern and me put our theatre clothes on at around 2.30pm. It was starting to sink in now. At about 4pm Gemma (a student midwife I requested to be present) came to collect us and we all walked to theatre. I gave Bern a cuddle. I didn't want to let go, I didn't want to give birth like this, I wanted a water birth!
Bern wasn't allowed to come with me while I got the spinal. I was under the impression I'd get it in a prep room type of place but to my horror I was lead into the theatre. The nightmare started, I completely froze. I turned around to walk back out and was faced with about 8 doctors and nurses all in blue scrubs. They were saying things to me but I couldn't hear them and I couldn't answer them. I completely lost it and started to panic like I knew I would.
I have to say those doctors and nurses were amazing. If it wasn't for them I don't know how I'd of got through the whole procedure. The next 20 minutes is a bit of a blur really. What sticks in my mind is the doctor who gave me the spinal telling me to sit in a certain way because I kept tensing up and slouching and it was making it difficult for her to administer it. I asked them not to tell me when they were starting and to not tell me what they were doing and I requested that when she was born and checked over she be passed straight to Bern. I didn't want to meet my baby in a state of fear and panic! I can only really remember bits and bobs of everything else that happened. At the end I was just glad it was over. Scarlett was born at 4.18pm.
I was taken to recovery. I suffered a side effect of the spinal, which was shaking. I couldn't stop! In between shakes all that was in my mind was that I was certain I was going home the next day. Bern had to go home at 8pm. He'd be back at 10am the next day but I didn't want to be stuck in a ward with our new daughter without him.
Up in the ward wasn't too bad but I felt like a burden because I couldn't get up to do anything. I had to buzz for a nurse every time Scarlett cried and I felt a bit hopeless. At visiting times the room was packed. It got extremely warm and I found I didn't have much privacy. The curtain kept opening and I felt like I had an audience when I tried to breast feed. I wanted to go home. I told a nurse and she said I had to eat, have some blood tests, get up and about and go to the toilet before they'd let me go. Thankfully I managed to do all of these things and just before 5pm I was allowed to go home. The walk to the car was the most painful thing ever! Sitting in the car hurt, going over bumps hurt, getting out of the car hurt, walking through my front door hurt, getting upstairs hurt, laying in bed hurt, trying to sit up hurt, everything hurt!
Bern did so much for me those 2 weeks he was off work. I don't know how I'd of coped without him. Emotionally I struggled to come to terms with the cesarean I think. I had dreams about it for weeks and i kept replaying it in my mind. I felt like I didn't get the instant bond is expected with Scarlett and I felt like I'd failed her for being so scared. I felt like I'd failed Bern for not being able to keep it together while I was there. I didn't feel like I'd given birth the way I was supposed to, why had my body let me down? We're designed to deliver, why couldn't I?
I still think about it now 11 weeks on and I think I'm still suffering some emotional effects too. I still have mad dreams about it and i cant stand the tightness across my back when i bend over because it reminds me too much of the spinal, but the positive is that I got a beautiful baby daughter out of it and I wouldn't change her for the world.
I guess the point of this is that it's okay to be scared and if you are scared then you're not alone. It's major surgery and you're awake, how is that not scary? It's an emotional roller coaster and it's certainly not an easy way out of a labour. It can be just as traumatic. The thing is though, I did it! I faced my biggest fear and even though I didn't cope too well at the time, I got through it and my Scarlett was born safe and well. I didn't die, Scarlett's head and limbs are intact, I can still move and my scar is nicely hidden and isn't unsightly. In hindsight I wish I didn't worry so much about it because it wasn't THAT bad, but it's just a situation that I personally couldn't handle very well through sheer fear.
I chucked those letters i wrote (in case I died!!!) in the wheelie bin not long after I got home. I didn't even open them to re read them or tell anyone I'd wrote them, I was just happy I'd got through the whole thing safely with nothing more than a long, but quite neatly stitched cut and brand new baby. I do have to say though, my scar is pretty cool!
